Online dating comedy opening lines

It’s official..Ms Rate-a-Date has returned to the blog and she’s on top form. 

After a recent blip called a short relationship, I have returned to the world of

online dating and have been reminded that the world can be a most scary place indeed.

Yes, scary due to those strange men that send us peculiar messages online. 

After a recent influx of such freaky reads, I have decided to re-launch the blog with

Ms Rate-a-Date’s favourite collection of dodgy opening lines, to kick-start it back into

action with a laugh or two.

These lines are enough to guarantee singledom for eternity for these guys!

1) Hi Hun, how are you today and hows your wkend? hope everything has been
fine, I’m Richard from north London and its nice to meet you, just saw your
lovely profile and I like what I see and read, so thought i had say hi, you
are such a stunning beauty, you looks gorgeous and decent, you have got
everything a man is looking for in a woman and any decent guy would be proud
to have you as his princess, you sounds nice and genuine Hun, it will be
nice to chat and get to know each other, who knows I could be the lucky guy
lol, I really like your pics Hun uv got a great body, great style and
personality, it’s been nice talking to you and I look forward to hearing
from you and chat soon, take care and have a nice day , bye darling. xxxxx
Richard

err..have we met?!!

2)Hi,I am maddy (Madhukar) work as development engineer for software giant
here ... iam indian ,my parents are surgeon..I am the only child to them.
I am looking for serious relationship/Friendship.Life is like a piano.White
keys are happy moments & Black keys are sad moments .But remember both keys
are played together 2 give sweet music. To be trusted is a greater
compliment than being loved

Really??!! I'm very afraid!

3)Hi, Just snooping through this site and i found your profile interesting.My name is 
Austin.How are you?Guess you are not being stressed at work today?What are your 
plans for the rest of the day?Meanwhile,You look Cute,neat and clean.Think we have 
something equal.Can you figure that out from both profiles?lol.Do you believe in 
horoscope?Maybe we can also used that to compare and contrast.Just kidding.
I will appreciate if you can take your time to read through my profile.I would 
like to know more about you.I will be excited to hear back from you soon.Cheers.x

Neat and clean??!! He must have been dating a few tramps!

4) Hi, you there how are you. Are you free for clean chat plz?

'you there'! Charming! Are these men obsessed with 'clean'?!

5) i'm french well educated,and with a good job from north London. I'm looking for real life situation and wanted to know if it would be of interest as i'm very much looking for humiliation and to serve and dream to be enslaved. I was wondering if I could be of interest? x

Is it wrong to be thinking about some DIY jobs that I could get him working on?

Have you received a weird ice-breaker lately? Add it to the comments please! 

Next blog post coming soon...watch this space!

To pay or not to pay?

Many times I have debated with friends and colleagues over whether the man should pay on the first date.  So what’s the protocol?

Of course it was always easy before our time. If men had a chance in hell with a girl/woman they had to pay and be seen as gentlemen. Those were the days of ‘wooing’ (may they rest in peace).  So is chivalry now dead?  

After all, wooing has since changed to a ‘cat and mouse’ challenge for men. No longer are they seeking to woo the girl of their dreams through romance but to try and charm her into dropping her drawers on the first date. OK, not all, but many of them. You know who you are!  Is that so they get what they want as a ‘one stop shop’ and don’t have to pay again as there won’t be a next time..?!  Has it dropped to the level of ‘I pay out and you put out’?

It also seems to be a cultural issue.  Considering English men were always seen as the true ‘gents’ of our time (according to every period drama on television), they are now the most reluctant when it comes to paying on a date.  I’ve had mixed experiences from men I’ve met, but not one single guy who grew up outside the UK would expect me to go dutch on the first date. So is it Male Brits = tight shits?

The problem then arises whereby the date reaches the ‘time to order the bill’ awkward stage. Then because it’s never a dead cert that the man will be willing to pay, it becomes a cringe worthy moment of dread when that slip of paper arrives!

Personally, regardless of whether I have an enjoyable evening with a man the first time, his chances of a second date reduce to zero the minute he gets fidgety with the bill.  If he can’t go out to make you feel special on day one, imagine date 5.or worse, year 5…

As a rule I truly believe that if a guy asks a girl to meet him for drinks/dinner for the first time then he should foot the bill. No discussion. Most men that I have discussed this with completely agree, so who are this minority of the male species I wonder that ‘conveniently’ pretend to be supporting equality for women?

Come on guys, equality will only ever exist when women are paid the same as men for the same role in the workplace!  You’ll have to do better than that to reach a second date!  Spoil the girl or spoil the date..the choice is yours!

The threat of 'non single' men on dating sites

The theme of this post was prompted by my recent first date with a guy who turned out to be in an 8 month long relationship with a live-in girlfriend..yes..nice guy huh?!

It's the girlfriend I am grateful to for snooping on his laptop and finding her boyfriend's mail on a dating site.  Had she not sussed him out she never would have contacted me and I could have potentially dated this guy based on a string of lies he was telling.

This was perhaps an extreme case as it evolved that the said idiot turned out to be bi-polar, so would always have the 'illness' excuse for his unacceptable behaviour.  After all, would he just have been having an 'episode' whilst proactively setting up a dating site profile, approaching and dating various women over a year and taking them on dates? Really?? The smell of bullshit is overwhelming!  Let's hope she finally saw the light and kicked him to the kerb.

So, what gives men the right or motivation to deceive women into thinking they are single and wasting their time?  I have been approached by numerous married men in the online dating world.  It's usually the case of men that want to have their cake and eat it too.  That don't want to lose the marriage/kids/girlfriend set up they have but need to add some spice to their sex life and boost their egos.

So how can you spot a married man online? Here is the Ms Rate-a-Date guide to singling out and avoiding married men on dating sites (what you do to them when you find out they are is entirely at your discretion):

1. He has no profile photo or if so it is either unclear or of himself in the distance. The last thing he wants to happen is that he is spotted by someone who knows him.  Men without photos are best to avoid as a general rule anyway as even if he isn't married he must have something to hide such as a) he is hideous b) he is on the run from the police or nuthouse or c) may be recognisable from a recent Crimewatch photofit photo on TV.  Another classic sign is the guy who says 'I am being discreet because of my job, but if you give me your email address I can send you some photos'..you have been warned!

2. He will be the one to make the initial contact.  Most married men search for women who are physically attractive, appear very trusting, honest and naive, so could therefore be easily manipulated.  If he has experience, he will know which questions to ask you to work out how easy a target you could be.

3.  His contact may be erratic or he may have limited time online.  Let's face it, a married man can't just log in to a dating site at home with the wife and or kids about! He is more likely to only make contact online during working hours. He may cancel dates at the last minute with a feeble excuse. If you always reach his answer phone when you call him and find he always has to call you at his convenience only or at set times then warning bells should definitely ring!

4.  He is very secretive and shady about where he lives and doesn't let you have his home number.  He is only ever going to suggest your place or a hotel!  Don't fall for the one about his place being a mess! If a man lives alone then we expect a mess, right?!

5. He doesn't divulge much information about his family, upbringing etc and once involved with you will never introduce you to his friends.

This is my foolproof list of warning signs but we still have to bear in mind that not every man that does one of the above is necessarily married or with a girlfriend.  However, if he ticks a few of the above then it's best to ask outright or walk away..actually no..run!!

Before anyone accuses me of missing a valid point, yes..married women also have affairs with men and meet them online. No one is saying the fairer sex are always innocent parties.  I think there could be an opportunity for someone to create a dating site online for married men and married women to use to meet each other..this way us single women won't get used and abused! You heard it here first! Or perhaps someone is creating that very site as I write this.....

Are women the new 'men' of dating?

Yes, gone are the days of girls going to bars and clubs waiting and hoping to be approached by guys.  From what I see now, it seems the women are on 'the prowl' more so these days. You only have to go to a bar to find girls dressed in the sexiest outfits confidently approaching guys and often making it very clear what they are looking for. More often than not women are more sexually confident and if they want a guy for the night, they know exactly how to find it and have a very direct approach. Let's face it, very few men would turn down such an offer when its handed to them on a plate. Or would they? I hear mixed feedback. Some men are turned off by the new culture and like to do the choosing and stay in control. Others can't believe their luck and love women to be dominant.  And why not? Surely in this day and age of women as equals we have the same desires as men?

Things haven't changed quite so dramatically. Men will still say what women want to hear to get what they want. The difference is that women are just doing it too. If we want a fling for the night, we can now do so without the emotiional ties. We can use a guy for our own temporary pleasure with no strings and no guilt. So what happened? Are we really becoming like men with their animal instinct? Is it revenge? Is it from media? From online sites? Form your own opinion but women are taking control more than ever before.  Afterall, needs must..and sometimes our battery operated friends never quite cut it!

So have the tables turned? Are men becoming lazy or just loving the attention? Probably a combination of the two. The internet has a lot to do with it. We can now log on..browse men in the way that we would shop online and send messages and 'winks' to men without waiting to be approached and checked out first. Afterall, it's often costing us money so we want to make the most out of it.

I was recently messaged by a single girl in her thirties on a dating site..she asked me how I was getting on and took great pleasure in telling me that every date she sets up results in her getting the guy into her car and having sex of some kind. It gives her great pleasure and she loves the thrill and isn't ready for a relationship. These men can't believe their luck, it seems!

Men love to be 'selected' from hundreds of others as a potential date, partner or one night stand..and let's face it, flattery and ego boosting goes a long way.  Men lap it up.  A way to a man's heart may be via his stomach but a way to a guy's pants is to make a fast move.  Many women cut straight to the chase and use sites purely for sexual encounters..personally, I think it's worth a chat over dinner or a drink to be sure but many girls now just lose the middle man and go for the kill. The only area that needs to be considered is of course the safety aspect. What do you know about a strange guy you have taken home? Should you keep an axe under the bed or your wallet in the safe? We all take risks now and then which sometimes don't bear thinking about in the cold light of day!

Ultimately, surely if there are two consenting adults..where's the harm? If you know what you want, go for it, right? We're not all cut from the same cloth, but if a woman desires male company or a night of passion but doesn't want a relationship, why can't she do just what men have been doing for years?

The all important 'spark'....one of the mysteries of the dating world!

A question that often comes up between single friends is 'When should we feel the spark?'. Some claim within two minutes of meeting someone..if not, drop him like a hot coal after date one. Some say a couple of dates is enough to know..Too harsh perhaps? Or just the ruthless style of dating we have become accustomed to?  A man considered a prospective suitor may tick many of our personal 'boxes' but how do we know if and when it's right,if the 'spark' isn't initially there?

I recently dated a guy who seemed to fit the bill (on paper).  Intelligent, romantic, considerate, honest, attractive and a gent who was far too respectful to be a player. I hear you all now saying 'hellooooo? He sounds perfect!' That's what all my friends said..However, something just didn't click..the said 'spark' just wasn't there. In the end, 6 dates on and those fireworks still hadn't gone off inside. He wanted exclusivity so I had to call it quits and put him out of his bewildered misery.

So do we settle for the decent and loving sorts that don't make our hearts pound or make us melt when they look at us if everything else is perfect? Are we just getting too fussy the older we get? Sensible or too set in our ways? Or deep down are we all desiring the infamous 'bad boy' and the nice guys don't get a look in? 

The crunch is...if there's no spark, we're just not connecting on a true physical and mental level..and it doesn't ever happen no matter how much we want it to. If we don't have a burning desire to rip off their trousers and go girlie when they look deep in our eyes on date one, perhaps the cliche is right...face facts, cut your losses and run..to the next victim!..Onwards and upwards!!

The launch of me!

What's this blog about? Here's the deal...After being a frequent 'dater' over the past year and a half I figured it's time I share my observations and learnings with the rest of the '30 somethings' in the same boat. It would be fantastic to hear your comments, experiences and reactions so this blog can be a learning platform for the dating 'newbies'..(hell, if only this existed when I got back into dating!)

Dating this time around following a divorce has been an incredible eye-opener...partially due to the wonder that is 'the internet' (God bless it and all who ride from it!) and also due to the fact that in our 30's we are so much more confident, aware of what we do and don't want and what we will no longer tolerate from men.  Damn, why did we put up with so much crap back then!? But one thing for sure, it's so much more fun dating this time around!!

So here goes..stay tuned for past and present dating experiences, observations, confessions and learnings...Sarah Jessica Parker eat your skinny assed heart out..:)